Sunday, October 30, 2011

Motherhood : a Woman's Exclusive Right

Rima Fauzi ( is one of the few Indonesian bloggers that I continuously followed since I started blogging in 2007.

Rima (36) is a singer/songwriter living in Brussels, Belgium since 2001, where she and her friends set up a band called The House Painters.

Based on the consent that I have got from her via Twitter@mbakrimaH, I would like to share with you one of her interesting blog post (below) about Motherhood, which may sound controversial for some of you.
I shall be very grateful to receive your comment. Happy reading.

By Rima Fauzi

When I was younger, I welcomed the idea that as human beings it is our fate to couple up, get married and have children. I thought it was normal for me to think that our sole-purpose is indeed to serve God by way of non-stop praying, getting married and procreating. As I got older and more exposed to the evil ways of the west (and by this I mean the frowned upon atheistic western “logics” and “common sense”) I started to think differently.

The first thing that changed was my perception of God. I used to think God was this really grumpy old guy who just loves to smite people and take his wrath upon us, eerily leering from above, waiting for us to do something wrong and then when you think you are safe, “WHAM!” He smites us to a thousand pieces. When he is feeling lazy, he would send down his angels to make a list of all the things we do wrong then keep it in his grudge cabinet so that when we die he will happily drown us in a pool of boiling hot lava-like liquid for as long as he likes or until he has something better to do or new people to torture.

Now, I strongly feel that if there really is a God (I say “IF” because no one really knows, it’s all down to personal faith) he would most likely be a deity-like entity who is loving, understanding and kind, who emanates eternal peace and is made up of all things good, like sugar and spice.

People who say things like “That tsunami is a warning/curse from God” or, “The heretics who were murdered were asking for it, if those people didn’t take their lives, God would’ve done the job himself sooner or later” irritate the hell out of me. I know they have a right to their opinions, they do and I am fine with that don’t get me wrong, but they are just irritatingly ignorant. Yet there is nothing 

I can do to change the way they think as I used to be one of these people and I understand their way of thinking although I surely do not condone it. Nobody changed my way of thinking, it just happened gradually on its own through natural selection, personal experiences, education, social interaction and a myriad of other factors that may or may not have the same effect on other people on a similar boat.

Thank goodness I have become this common-sense worshiping, moral loving, reasoning addicted infidel that I am today. I don’t mind not going to “heaven” as from what I was told heaven is going to be nothing but a huge, non-stop orgy full of men drinking wine from the rivers and having sex with virgin angels anyway. It’s not like I haven’t been in one before and if only the men are going to have fun in this so-called heavenly orgy, I wouldn’t want to be one sitting there watching all the fun, how boring would that be, right

But, I digress.
The same thing happened with my idea of motherhood. While I know that it is indeed a natural part of life and I don’t oppose of it, I don’t think it’s for everyone. My friends told me that I will hear my biological clock ticking and I will know when it’s time. Well, I am almost 36 and either my biological clock needs a new battery or it just isn’t happening for me.

I actually don’t mind not having kids. Nope, let me rephrase that, I actually don’t want any kids.
*Gasps* “How can she say that? It’s blasphemy!!” some people may think.
Well a few years ago, I feel guilty whenever I even think about this and I certainly never say it out loud. Whenever people ask me, “So Rima, when will you have a baby?” or “Don’t you want to hear the pitter-patter of ‘tiny feet in your house??” I answer, “Not now, maybe in a few years.” (Although 
I constantly have the urge to answer the second question with, “If I want to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet in my house I’d buy a Chihuahua and have it wear small dog boots around the house. Problem solved”)

But who am I kidding? I didn’t want a baby then, and I sure as hell don’t want one now.
Now I have become more assertive in my life decisions and I no longer feel guilty telling people that, “Kids are just not for me.” because “I think my life is perfect the way it is.”

The thing is, I know parents who don’t really want children but were forced into having them by society and their families. I have seen what that does to their children and it’s not pretty. I am fulfilled by my life, I have my routines, my job, my side job, my hobbies, my friends and my family. I am content with my life and I think I’m blessed with so many good things in life that there is nothing more I could possibly want. So why ruin a good thing?

I don’t want to have kids just for the sake of having them, “cos everybody else has them.” As if kids are a pair of Gucci loafers or a Plasma TV. No, if I ever have kids it will be because I really, and I mean REALLY want them.

If I give in to the pressure and norms of the society, I could end up resenting my kids and feel like I have given up many things I enjoy to have them. I know this sounds selfish, but it is more selfish to have kids so that people will accept you and think you are “normal”. Let me tell you something, there is nothing normal about having unwanted kids because it will screw up that kid and scar them emotionally for life, not to mention turning you into an asshole.
Now I should know, I was one of these kids. And again I tell you, it’s not pretty for both the parties involved as it is sad and unfair for an adult to have to do something they  don’t really want but feel like they “must” do while it’s especially unjust and unfair for a child to be born to parents who don’t really want them.

So the next time I hear somebody asking me that dreadful question again or making a snide remark about who will take care of me in my old age if I don’t have kids, that is when I will say “If I ever decide to have kids, I will do so because I really want to. And I will love that child and educate them so that they have free will, an open mind and a loving heart. Not so that I have a guaranteed spot in a homey retirement home.” I won’t even care if a person insinuates that women who never bear children are not real women. Yes, there are people like that out there, total bitches. 

Because at the end of the day, having children (or not) is your personal choice and nobody should be able to pressure you into doing it or talk you out of it when you want to do so. It’s your right, your prerogative and no one else.


smp 3 lembang said...

saya tidak terlalu heran dengan pandangan hidupnya pak di luar negeri sana banyak sekali orang yang seperti ini , yang selalu berubah-berubah sesuai dengan keadaan

Nice Veloso said...

Hi, friend! I broke the little finger of right hand. A little difficult to type. God is in all things, and especially within ourselves, in our good deeds. Having children is wonderful, but the world is as violent as we have to think hard before having them take care of a human requires much care, much love, much attention. Having children is to share, divide often the not do we have. It's divine!

Wisata Murah said...

keyakinan memang sangat mahal, dan pada akhirnya ada yang mengair sampai kemuara, tapi ada kalanya yang menguap habis di tengah perjalanan

saya berharap sahabat anda adalah salah satu dari sekian yang mampu mengalir menemukan muara_nya

r10 said...

sayang sekali tak mau punya anak, padahal masih cukup umur secara biologis

Iskandar Aruji said...

ehm..I've just known her from this post..I'll check it out..Nice review and happy blogging!

colson said...

Having been exposed to "the evil ways of the west" all my life, it's not a miracle (!) I share Rima's considerations.

Since we are lucky to live in an epoch in which existential choices regarding life are possible ( for believers that is a gift of God to mankind), it would be foolish or worse to escape them.

Pregnancy is not - or should not be- a social or divine obligation. It is - or should be- a well considered loving choice.

Rima is right.

Kiwi Riverman's Blogesphere said...

A very honest post. Many of us have done things because our societies expected it, and spent the rest of lives unfulfilled and unhappy. But having said that I don't regret fathering four children and being the grandsire of twelve - still waiting for the next generation?

So I haven't achieved many other things? Oh well lets hope there is another life?

Sang Cerpenis bercerita said...

makasih udah mampir ke blogku.

Deeahzone said...

choice is in everyone thougts.. Thanks Harry for sharing us about Rima Fauzi.

Setyo-Utomo Said said...

An interesting honest indeed. Think mbak Rima is right.

rima fauzi said...

Thanks for sharing my post in your blog. I hope that this piece can help somebody in the same boat or help some other realize that it's ok to choose how one wants to live their lives and that a meaningful life is not only defined by having kids but having achieved other things in life. Having kids is awesome, I hear, but choosing not to have any and to do other things in life is equally awesome.

H. Nizam said...

Sebagai manusia normal kita punya pendirian yang sesuai dengan kepribadiaan masing2.

@Nice Veloso,
I am very sorry to hear about your finger. I hope it will be better soon.
It would be much better to have children based on the woman's sincere love to have them, not just for the sake of following tradition.

@Wisata Murah,
Yang anda artikan sebagai muara bisa diinterpretasikan macam2 bergantung pada pemikiran masing2.

Itu pilihan yang telah diambil.

@Iskandar Rudji,
You can visit Rima's blog that I have mentioned on my post.

Yes pregnancy should be a woman's loving choice.

Most normal men would want to have children who will be their heir. Like they say: "it takes two to tango" our wife has the final say whether or not she want to be pregnant.
In order to make sure that the couple have the same opinion and wish on this matter they have to settle it first before they get married.

@Sang Cerpenis,
Terima kasih atas kunjungan anda.

As long as we are living we should make choices.

Yes she is.

You are most welcome Rima.
I also hope that your post would useful for the readers.

Aulawi Ahmad said...

I think, that is her right to have opinion like that :)

H. Nizam said...

@Aulawi Ahmad,
Yes you are right, we all have rights to say what we think.

Obat Alami Untuk Asam Urat said...

semoga ia mendapat yang terbaik di balik semua ini, pasti ada hikmah yang bisa didapat. . .

Nationwide Auto Loan said...

I split the little little kids finger of right side. A little challenging to kind. God is in all elements, and especially within ourselves, in our excellent actions. Having kids is amazing, but the community is as chaotic as we have to think challenging before having them deal with a people needs much health care, much really like, much interest. Having kids is to reveal, split often the not do we have. It's divine!

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